


Take Me By the Hand

by crimsonglass



Category: General Hospital
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Romance, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-20
Updated: 2014-04-23
Packaged: 2018-01-20 04:49:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1497244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimsonglass/pseuds/crimsonglass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in May 2003. Elizabeth has become so isolated in the wake of Ric’s deceptions, that she begins to slide into a deep, dark place, which none of her friends realize. A series about hitting rock bottom and learning to climb your way out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fallen From Grace

**Author's Note:**

>   
> _I'm standing on a bridge/I'm waiting in the dark/_   
> _I thought that you'd be here by now/_   
> _There's nothing but the rain/_   
> _No footsteps on the ground/I'm listening but there's no sound_   
> _Isn't anyone trying to find me?/Won't somebody come take me home?_   
> 
> 
> **Background**  
>  This is a set of stories that begins in late May 2003. Ric has been revealed and taken care of. Elizabeth learns she was just part of the plan. Emily has learned about Zander and Elizabeth’s one night stand and left her alone. Lucky and Elizabeth have spent a lot of time together while Jason and Courtney are still dating. I wrote the first story before the spoiler dropped about Ric being Sonny's brother, and I think the rumors at the time had him being Lily's brother.
> 
> The inspiration for this story came, ironically, from listening to an Avril Lavigne song, and I’ve quoted the pertinent lyrics above. I remember thinking at the point Ric pretended to sleep with Carly (and let’s just call it what it was–an emotional rape) that Elizabeth was so isolated on the canvas of the show at that point, where would she go if she, a rape victim, discovered she’d been dating a rapist? The show never really delved into that part of the storyline, and they missed an opportunity I think. But anyway :P
> 
> Thanks to the girls at LU for all their wonderful encouragement in writing this, particularly Cathy, Pia, Waheeda, Maja, and Nicole. This is some of the best writing I personally think I’ve ever done.
> 
> Note: The flashbacks are in italics. With the exception of the Audrey/Liz scene, I'm pretty sure they're all from the show itself. I've made it my life's work apparently to memorize Elizabeth scenes.

Song Credit: [ _Out of Breath_  by Lifehouse](http://tinysong.com/fWsO)

* * *

**I still feel the same**

Lucky Spencer rushes into Kelly's, heads straight for the counter where Emily and Courtney Quartermaine are talking and laughing.

His hair is disheveled, his shirt and pants rumpled. There's a look of desperation on his face. "Emily!" he calls.

She turns and frowns at him. "Lucky...what's wrong?"

He swallows. "Have you seen Elizabeth anywhere?"

Emily snorts and turns away. "No," she says coldly. "I haven't."

**Though everything has changed**

Elizabeth Webber tells the cab driver to wait, she'll only be a minute. She walks towards the house slowly and when she reaches the door, she touches it for a moment, her mind drifting away.

_"Elizabeth, I never wanted you to be anything other than who you are," Audrey Hardy tells her, wrapping an arm around her young granddaughter's shoulders._

_"Sometimes, I just feel like I'll never be good enough," Elizabeth says, tugging at the ends of her short brown hair. "That I'll never measure up."_

_"Anyone who doesn't know who you are and would rather you be someone else is a fool," Audrey tells her, pressing a kiss to the side of her head._

_"Thanks Gram," Elizabeth whispers, her eyes glimmering with tears._

The memory has assaulted her without warning and she blinks her eyes rapidly. She withdraws the pack of letters from her purse and flips through it until she finds the one addressed to Audrey Hardy. She slips it into the mailbox and heads back to the cab.

**The pain it cost now  
I feel lost inside of my own name**

Lucky stares at Emily for a moment before the disgust fills his eyes. "What is _wrong_ with you?" he demands.

Emily sighs and spins on the stool to face her oldest friend. "You  _know_  that Elizabeth and I aren't speaking."

"Because she made a mistake and slept with Zander," Lucky replies. "But you weren't even dating Zander at the time...and you forget--"

"Lucky, no one here cares about Elizabeth," Courtney breaks in. "So why don't you just go away?"

Lucky glares at her. "No one asked you, Courtney. Just the stay the hell out of it."

"Don't talk to her like that!" Emily snaps. "You don't know anything--"

"I know that Courtney used to be married to your other brother AJ," Lucky cut in. "I know that barely after their marriage ended, she shacked up with Jason and lied to everyone about it, including Elizabeth. I know that Courtney has been nothing but hateful to Elizabeth for months, so don't tell me I don't know anything." He stops and shakes his head. "None of this matters. I need to find Elizabeth."

**But I keep running**

Elizabeth stands outside of the empty site that used to house Jason's bike garage and the room that Lucky had lived in all those years ago. Jason still owns the land, but had never built anything on it.

It is a desolate and empty space.

_"It's not much I know," Lucky tells her grinning. "But with your talent and my paycheck, we can turn it into home in no time."_

_Elizabeth smiles and looks around the sorry excuse for a room. "Anything is better than freezing to death in the boxcar, right?"_

_"So, is it doable?" Lucky asks. He crosses the room and pulls a window shade up. It falls to the ground, nearly missing Lucky's head. He jumps back a little alarmed._

_She starts to laugh. "Yeah, it's doable."_

She fishes in her purse and removes a ring that Lucky gave to her in that room. The day they expressed their love for one another the first time. She drops it in an empty envelope addressed to Lucky and lays the envelope on the spot where the door to the garage had been once upon a time.

**I am running**

Emily sighs. "What's wrong? Why are you looking for her?"

Lucky shoves his hands through his hair and squeezes his eyes shut. "No one's seen her all day. Her studio is locked tightly and I checked with the building supervisor. She asked to be let out of her lease. Now, Emily, out of a respect for someone who risked her life to help you, who faced Tom Baker because she was scared for you...will you please tell me...have you seen her?"

Emily closes her eyes and looks away, picturing that day in the studio clearly in her mind. Elizabeth's tear-filled eyes as she admitted Tom was her rapist flash in her mind.

"No. I haven't seen her."

She makes a split-second decision and stands. "But I'll help you look."

**I keep living for the day that I'm with you  
That I'm with you**

Elizabeth steps inside the lobby of Harborview Towers and smiles briefly at the guard near the elevators. "Hi, Max," she says softly. "How are you?"

Max smiles back at her. "Hello, Ms. Webber. It's been a while since I've seen you."

"How's Cori and the baby?" Elizabeth asks as she fishes three more letters from her pile.

Max grins at the mention of his wife and young daughter. "Cori's wonderful," he replies. "She loved the brownies you brought by. And Little Maggie is getting so big."

"That's great. I'm so happy for you." Elizabeth reaches out and gives him a quick hug. "I'm glad you have someone that you love."

Max frowns at the sadness in his former charge's eyes. "Ms. Webber, is anything...wrong?"

"No." Elizabeth forces a smile, but it doesn't lift the veil of despair in the depths of her eyes. "No, for the first time in a long time, I know what's right." She hands him the letters. "Can you get these to them?"

Max nods. "No problem, Ms. Webber. I'll see ya around."

She moves away but when she's about ten feet from him she turns back and smiles just once more. "No. No you won't."

Max narrows his eyes at her answer, but she's out of the doors before he can say anything. He looks down at the letters. One addressed to Carly Corinthos, one to Sonny Corinthos...and the last is to Jason Morgan.

He puts them in the inside pocket of his jacket, and decides to tell Jason about the depression he fears Elizabeth has fallen into since finding out the truth about her boyfriend, Ric Lansing.

**The past has left its stain**

"The supervisor says Elizabeth asked about the lease yesterday afternoon," Lucky reports as he and Emily heads to his car. His hands are shaking as he tries to separate the key to unlock the door from the rest of the keys on the ring. "He remembers me and let me in."

Emily calmly puts her hand over his, stilling his movements. "Lucky, take a deep breath. I'm sure she's fine."

"Everything was packed up," Lucky tells her, his voice shaky. Tears begin to gather in the corner of his eyes. "And...and there was a letter on one of the boxes."

Emily stares at him for a moment. "A letter," she repeats, slowly feeling a tight coil of fear begin to wind in her stomach. "What...what kind of letter?"

Lucky surprises her and slams his fist into the hood of the car, leaving a soft dent in the metal. "I'm scared, Emily. I'm scared for her. She's been slipping into this bad place for the last month or so. Ever since she found out that Ric slept with Carly and was only using her to get to Sonny and Jason. She's been so sad and...hard to reach. You aren't talking to her, Jason is as far away as he's ever been...her parents are gone, Zander's afraid to talk to her because you'll shut him out..."

"Lucky, _what_ was in the letter?" Emily cries, her voice tinged with desperation. She grabs his collar. "Lucky!"

Lucky swallows hard and meets Emily's dark brown eyes. "The letter was addressed to me." He pulled it out of his pocket and handed the rumpled sheet to her. She grabs it from him.

**Now I feel the shame**

Elizabeth stands outside of the boxcar and closes her eyes. Her hands are shaking this time as she remembers.

_"Jason, wake up. Please, just open your eyes. I can't help you if don't open your eyes!" Elizabeth cries wiping the snow from his face._

The memory changes quickly into a different one, a lighter one.

_"This is the best gift anyone's ever given me," Lucky tells her, staring at the guitar._

_"Can you play something for me?" Elizabeth asks hopefully. "Are you taking request?"_

_"You could ask for anything right now," Lucky tells her, his face lighting up._

_"Would you play the song you wrote for me?"_

She sets the jacket with a note pinned to it just inside the boxcar. She runs her hand over the worn leather for a moment, her fingers brushing the note with Jason's name scrawled on it.

She steps away and leaves the clearing.

**I'll seize the day if you take away the chains of yesterday**

Courtney is sitting at the counter quietly staring into space. The diner is nearly empty and no one is calling for her attention.

Against her better judgment, she's thinking about Elizabeth. Wondering why Lucky is so upset.

And she remembers the day Elizabeth trusted her and tried to make her feel better.

_Elizabeth sighs. "I don't even think I'd be here after the night you had."_

_Courtney frowned and shook her head. "Wait. What -- what do you mean? That creep on the docks? How did you know?"_

_"Well, I saw you with Jason, and you obviously seemed upset. So I asked him what happened, and he said that some guy had grabbed you?_

_"Great. Does the whole town know?"_

_"No, but so what if they did?" Elizabeth asks. "You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry. It's kind of a -- a hot button for me. I was -- I was raped a few years back._

_Courtney blinked and bit her lip. "I'm sorry. I--"_

_"No, I'm -- I'm fine now. You know what? I probably shouldn't have even brought up last night. It's none of my business. But without getting into the whole thing, I know how terrified you must have been. And if you find yourself freaked out all of a sudden, you want to talk--"_

_"Thanks, Elizabeth. That's really nice of you. Fortunately, nothing awful happened, so I'm all right."_

"Courtney?"

His voice jerks her back into the present and she turns to paste a smile on her face. "Hey."

Jason Morgan frowns and tilts his head to the side. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just..." Courtney shrugged. "Lucky Spencer was in here a few minutes go looking for Elizabeth. He can't find her and he looked really worried. Emily went with him to find her." She hesitates but tells him anyway. "Lucky says that Elizabeth asked to be let out of her lease but no one's heard anything about her moving."

"Does Lucky have any idea where she might be?" Jason asks quickly.

Courtney sighs and turns away to avoid looking into the blue eyes filled with concern. Concern, she knew to be for his ex-girlfriend. And she wanted to ignore the flicker of fear in them as well. Because she wanted to forget that Jason ever felt anything for Elizabeth.

"No. But he's...he's really upset."

Jason's cell phone rings then. He fishes it out of his pocket and answers it. "Yeah? Carly...wait...wait, calm down. Carly--" he hesitates for a moment. "Are you sure? Okay. I'll be right there." He hangs the phone up and put it back in his jeans. "I've got to go."

"Is Carly all right?" Courtney asks quickly.

"She's fine. But...she got a letter." Jason turns towards the door and stares out of it. "From Elizabeth. There's one for me and one for Sonny. I need to go."

**But I keep running**

_Dear Lucky,_

_God, there are so many things I want to tell you, I don't even know where to start. First of all, I love you. You are one of the best friends I've ever had and I couldn't begin to thank you for everything you've done._

_You've got a wonderful family and an incredible network of friends who love you. Please always remember that. Remember that Luke loves you. When you were gone, it devastated him. And I don't think he ever recovered. The only spark of life I saw from him was when he went to search for you._

_I have faith that your mother will get well and that she will come home. I know that your mother and father will get that dream wedding and life will be good again. I know it._

_Take care of yourself, Lucky. Remember that you are more than your father's son and that you are a wonderful person._

_Dreams of gold,_  
 _Elizabeth_

Emily looks up from the letter, the tears streaking down her cheeks. "Lucky, this sounds like..."

"I know," Lucky whispers. "It sounds like a suicide note."

Her hands are shaking as she hands the letter back to him. "We...we have to find her now."

Lucky nods and finally manages to unlock the door to the car. "Let's go."

**I am running**

Jason pushes open the door the penthouse and immediately is confronted with Carly. She shoves an envelope in his face. "There's one for Sonny too."

Jason takes it, but he doesn't open it. "Carly, tell me what happened."

"Max had them and he said that Elizabeth looked different when she dropped them off," Carly begins, a hint of tears in her voice. "He said that when she was going, he told her he'd see her around and she told him that he wouldn't. And I figured it just meant she was leaving town or whatever, but then I read the letter and Jason--"

"What's in the letter?" Jason cut in.

Instead of answering him, she hands him the letter.

_Dear Carly,_

_You and I didn't get along. There's no reason to lie and try and pretend that we ever more than uneasy allies._

_I admire you, though. You knew what you wanted and you went after it. That takes a lot of courage and I admire that. You were right--I didn't have the guts and I wasn't good enough for Jason. I know that now._

_My love is poison. It brings pain to anyone I come in contact with and I've finally gathered the courage to make that stop._

_Take care of yourself, Carly. Never lose that fierce loyalty that makes you you. And take care of Sonny and Jason. They love you._

_Good luck with the baby._

_Elizabeth_

Jason glances up sharply from the letter, his blue eyes boring into Carly. "Did Max say anything else? Anything about where she was headed?"

Carly shook her head. "No. God, Jason, that letter...why...it sounds like..."

She trails off, unable to finish speaking. She doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to even voice the suspicion.

Jason whips out his cell phone and dials his sister's cell number.

**I keep living for the day that I'm with you**  
And I am waiting  
I am waiting 

Elizabeth flips through the remaining letters. One for Zander, one for Emily, one for Bobbie, one for Luke and one for Nikolas. She'd included an extra for Laura in case she was in a position to read it one day.

Everyone was taken care of. She slips the letters in a mailbox and begins to walk.

**I keep waiting for the day that I'm with you  
A new day the sun is shining**

"Hello?"

_"Emily, it's Jason. Have you found her?"_

Emily glances at Lucky, whose hands are clutching the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles are nearly white. "No." Her voice is quiet. "How...?"

_"Carly and I got letters. I haven't read mine. They're from Elizabeth and--"_

"They sound sad. They're full of why she loves you and wants you to be happy," Emily says softly.

_Jason is quiet for a moment. "You got one?"_

"Lucky did. He's worried. Her studio is packed up, the letter was waiting for him. We're looking for her."

_"I want to help," Jason replies. "Where are you going to look?"_

"We're going to places Elizabeth used to. The boxcar, Jake's, um, Vista Point. Do you have anywhere to add?" Emily asks.

_Jason's quiet again. Then he says, "I've got a few ideas. Call me and leave a message if I don't answer. I'll be on my bike."_

**Seems I'm closer to finding  
That life is more than what we hide**

Elizabeth arrives at the bridge. It's dark now, a slight wind in the air. It lifts her hair and blows it slightly in her face.

She stares at the bridge in front of her, thinking once again of better times.

_"So, you want to get back?"_

_"No, no. I probably should, though, huh? Oh, my god--"_

_"What?"_

_"You know what I just remembered? I think I was supposed to close up at Kelly’s tonight. Ooh -- and I ran out on my shift. Oh, if Tammy couldn't find anybody, she's going to be stuck. I swear, if I were her, I would fire me."_

_"No, you wouldn't."_

_"So, think I can steer?"_

_"No"._

_" What if I told you it makes me feel alive?"_

_"I’d tell you to get your own motorcycle."_

_"Oh, come on. You act as if I did a really bad job last time."_

_"We almost crashed the last time, didn't we?"_

_"Please_."

She wraps her arms around herself, feeling the tears brimming in her eyes. She hops up on the ledge and lets her legs dangle over the edge.

The water looks so dark, so cool from up here.

So welcoming.

**No way that I am turning  
As long as the sun is burning**

"Her jacket's here!" Emily calls. She picks it up, running her hand over the dark material. Lucky helps her out of the boxcar and he takes it from her.

"This is the jacket Jason gave her isn't it?" he asks.

Emily nods. "That first Christmas after you...were gone. Look," she says, spying the note.

Lucky unpins it and holds it up to the light of Emily's flashlight. " _To Jason_ ," he reads. " _Thank you_."

Tears have been running down Emily's cheeks pretty steadily since she left Kelly's, but every time they find another clue of what Elizabeth plans to do, she begins to cry all over again.

The letter in Audrey's mailbox, the ring at the site of Jason's old garage. She prays that Jason can find her.

He's always found her before.

**Now it seems that all I want is you  
I still feel the same**

She's sitting on the ledge of the bridge when he finally finds her. He takes hesitant steps toward her, unable to find the words to speak.

She stands suddenly, bracing her hands on the cool stone of the bridge. She's standing now, facing the water, her arms straight out from her side.

And he can see her intention.

She tilts her head back, her dark hair cascading down her back. Her eyes are closed, her skin nearly white in the moonlight.

An odd time for him to realize just how beautiful she is.

"Elizabeth," he breathes.

She hears him and turns towards him, letting her arms fall to her side. "What are you doing here?"

He steps towards her this time. "Don't do it."

She doesn't deny it, doesn't lie. She turns back around and sits back down. "Why not?" Her voice is dull, lacking the vitality that used to draw him to her.

"Why not?" he replies, surprised. "Why would you do it?"

"Because it would solve everyone's problems." Her words are recited, almost rehearsed.

He's next to her now, his back leaning against the wall of the bridge. "How do you figure?"

"No one wants me around. Emily hates me, Zander refuses to talk to me. My grandmother barely notices my existence." She shrugs limply. "Why not make it easier on everyone else?"

**Though everything has changed**  
The pain it costs now  
I feel lost inside of my own name 

"I know...I know it's been rough since Ric..."

" _Don't_  say his name." The words are sharp, the first sign of life he's seen in her. "Don't remind me of him, I never want to hear his name again. I don't want to think about him. I don't want to think about the worst mistake I've ever made."

"Elizabeth...you're better than this. You're strong--"

"You don't know me anymore, Jason. And I'm beginning to think you never did."

"That's not true," Jason replies, a little stung. "Elizabeth--"

"I'm tired, Jason. I'm very tired." She sighs. "I just want it to stop. I want it all to stop."

"This isn't the answer."

"It isn't up to you." She shakes her head. "Just go home, Jason. Go home to Courtney and Carly and Sonny and your job. You don't have to worry about me."

"Yes I do," Jason says, firmly. "I always worry about you." He reaches out and touches her arm. "I will always care about you, Elizabeth. Remember? You matter to me."

"You don't mean that," she says quietly. "Because tomorrow you'll be off worrying about someone else and trying to save _them_."

**But I keep running  
I am running**

"Then we'll go somewhere," Jason says quickly. "We'll go to Italy."

The word brings a small smile to her face and she turns to look at him. "Running doesn't solve anything."

"And neither does jumping off a bridge," he tells her firmly. He holds out a hand. "Come on. We'll go somewhere and talk."

"I can't." Elizabeth shakes her head. "I can't let you in again. I can't do it."

"Why not?" He's almost desperate now. "Elizabeth--"

"Because the next time you run, it will kill me." Her words are quiet but nonetheless manage to make him to take a step back.

"You ran, too," is his only response.

"But you ran first." She grips the ledge tightly. "You _always_ run first."

"Not this time." He raises his hand again. "I won't run. And if you try, I'll come after you. Just...give me a chance to change."

She turns then. She stares at his hand and then at him. "I'm scared," she says finally. "I'm scared to trust you, to trust myself."

"Then let me be strong enough for the both of us." He steps back. "Let's go."

**I keep living for the day that I'm with you  
And I am waiting**

Lucky pulls the car to a stop. "I don't know where else to look," he says finally. His voice is hoarse. He looks at Emily. "I'm scared."

"I was so mean to her," Emily murmurs. "I didn't let her explain about Zander. I just...cut her off. I thought...oh, God, Lucky, after everything she's done for me, how could I not see what was happening?"

A fresh new onslaught of tears began to fall. "She's somewhere, alone and upset and isolated and depressed and we don't know where!"

"I knew she was upset. I knew it was bad, I just..." Lucky shook his head. "I never thought..."

Emily's cell phone rings. She answers it.

_"Emily? I've got her."_

The tension spills out of her body at her brother's words and she begins to cry again.

"What is it?" Lucky demands, panicked. "Emily!"

"He found her," Emily manages to choke out. "Jason, is she okay? Where are you? I need to see her!"

_"It's okay, Em. We're at the penthouse. She's sleeping right now, but I'll call you when she wakes up."_

"Thank you," Emily whispers. "Thank you, Jason. For coming through again."

_"Elizabeth is going to be fine, Emily. I promise."_

**I am waiting**

He doesn't read the letter she sent to him. These are things she wanted him to know after she was gone, it doesn't feel right to read them now.

He stands just inside the door of the guest room and watches her sleep.

Somehow...he's going to make this okay again.

He's going to earn her trust and friendship back.

He's going to be the kind of friend she deserves.

She rolls over in her sleep, letting out a small sound. Her eyes drift open to see him standing there. "Jason."

"Are you okay?" he asks.

She sits up and brings her legs up to her chest. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I don't know what I was thinking," she murmurs. "Committing suicide. That would have been stupid."

"It would have," he agreed, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"I'm just tired, Jason," Elizabeth tells him. "I'm just tired of being knocked down every time I think I'm making progress in my life. I miss..."

"What?" he prompts.

"You," she admits. "Not...not like that, I mean. I just...you were my best friend. I miss talking to you, having fun, taking rides." She shrugs. "I miss Emily and sharing hot chocolates while we gossip. I miss talking to Zander. I just...I'm tired of missing my friends."

He brushes her hair away from her face. "We'll fix it," he tells her. "We'll make it right, I promise."

"You don't make promises," Elizabeth replies.

"I'm making this one," Jason says. "And I'm keeping it." He leans forward and kisses her forehead. "Get some sleep. Emily and Lucky are coming over in the morning."

"Really?" Elizabeth softly, already laying back down. "Emily?"

"Yeah. She loves you, Elizabeth. I guess...I guess she needed to be reminded." He stands and crosses to the door.

"Jason?" she calls.

"Yeah?" he asks, his hand on the door knob.

"Thank you for saving me."

It's dark in the room, the light from the hallway casting shadows over his face. She can see the slight smile on his face. "You saved yourself. I just gave you a ride home."

**I keep waiting for the day that I'm with you  
That I'm with you**

 


	2. Never Let Me Go

**Song** : [Anchor by Lifehouse](http://tinysong.com/pwoY)

* * *

**I stand with a blank expression now**

"I can't do this."

Emily shakes her head firmly and starts to retreat from the doorway. Lucky catches her elbow and draws her back to him. "Em--"

"I  _cannot_  go in there!" Emily says. "You don't understand, Lucky. I have been perfectly hateful to her for three months. I befriended the woman she hates just to spite her. There is no way in the world I can face her!"

"You made a mistake," Lucky tells her. "You know you did. You know now that your friendship means more to you. All you have to do is tell her so."

"I can't," Emily repeats. "Because I shut her out, I didn't see what was going on. Because I've been wallowing in my own problems, I didn't see that she was hurting. Because I have been so damn blind, I didn't  _see_  that the best friend I love more than anything else in the world was thinking of throwing herself off a bridge!"

"Even if you were still close, it doesn't mean you would have seen it coming!" Lucky argues. "I've spent most of the last month with her... _I_  didn't see it! And I know Elizabeth pretty well, Emily, almost better than anyone else."

Emily just shakes her head starts for the elevator again. "I can't do this," she says again. "I won't be any good to her. I'm screwed up, I've got problems, how can I be expected to help her?"

Lucky frowns and grips her shoulders holding her in place. "You've been hiding something since you came home. Don't think I don't know."

"Lucky--"

"Tell me what's going on, Emily." His eyes soften and his grip loosens. "You're my oldest friend in the world. We've been there for each other through thick and thin. I can do it again. All you have to do is trust me."

Emily bites her lip and looks down. "I'm scared, Lucky."

"I know," Lucky says. He takes a step towards her and pulls her into a tight hug. "But you can trust me, Emily. You know you can."

"I think that's what scares me most of all," Emily murmurs, her face buried in his shoulder.

**And I can't believe myself**

She looks so small, curled up in a tiny ball on the couch. Her hair is wet, hanging in curly clumps around her pale face. She's swimming in a pair of his sweatpants and an old blue shirt that had been shrunk in the wash months ago.

He sets the hot chocolate on the coffee table in front of her and perches himself on the edge of the table next to it.

"She's not coming, is she?" Elizabeth asks, not raising her eyes to him. She'd been quiet most of the morning. She'd woken early, but not before him. He'd given her a change of clothing, she'd taken a shower and now she sat here on the couch.

And her question about Emily was the first time she'd spoken.

"She didn't mention what time," Jason tries to assure her, but part of him wondered if his sister would show up after all.

"She hates me," Elizabeth murmurs.

"She doesn't hate you," Jason tells her. "I know that for a fact." He picks up the hot chocolate and holds it out to her.

"I should go," she says instead. He sighs and sets the mug back down. "I shouldn't be here. There's no room in your life to do this anymore."

"To do what?" Jason asks. He sits back a little as Elizabeth suddenly rises to her feet. She tugs at the waistband of the pants, holding them up slightly. The collar of her shirt is listing the side and is clearly too big for her despite being too small for him.

"To take care of me," she replies. She bites her lip and looks around. "Where are my shoes?"

"Upstairs," Jason answers. He stands and shoves his hands in the pockets of his jeans. She's not leaving. She doesn't know it yet, but he's not about to let her walk out of this penthouse. Not like this. Not again. "And I'm not taking care of you."

"Don't be ridiculous," Elizabeth answers. She tugs at her pants again and shoves her hair out of her face. "You convinced me to get off that ledge. You brought me..." she stopped, realizing she was about to say that he brought her home, but obviously that wasn't true. He'd brought her to  _his_  home, the home he'd shared with first Brenda and later Courtney.

Courtney. There was a thought to latch onto.

"I should go," Elizabeth says again.

"You're not going anywhere," Jason says firmly.

**Will someone tell me how  
Did I get here**

Emily eases away from Lucky slowly. "I don't know where to start," she tells him softly.

"Why don't we talk to Elizabeth and then go somewhere to talk?" Lucky suggests. "She probably thinks we're not coming."

Emily nods and steps towards the door. Before she can raise her fist to knock, something crashes against the door. "What the--"

"Watch it, you almost hit me!"

Emily frowns. "That was Jason."

Lucky smirks. "Sounds like Elizabeth is unleashing some anger," he says. "Wonder what he did this time."

Emily throws him a dirty look. "That is my brother you're talking about."

"Who in the  _hell_  do you think you are?"

"And that would be Elizabeth," Lucky replies. "Come on. Let's get a burger or something and come back when they're a little less violent."

Emily is about to refuse when she hears Jason's raised voice again. "I'm just trying to help, Elizabeth--"

"You don't get to order me around! I'm not your girlfriend anymore!"

Emily nods. "I think that'd be a good idea."

**I am walking**

He wasn't sure what had set her off, but as soon as the words had left his mouth, her face had lit up in anger and she'd picked up a lamp on the table and hurled at him. He is able to duck in time as the lamp flies over his head and crashes against the door.

"Watch it, you almost hit me!"

He straightens and stares at her in disbelief. "What is wrong with you?"

"Who in the  _hell_  do you think you are?" Elizabeth rages.

She's gone from meek to furious in three point five seconds, making his head spin a little. "I'm just trying to help, Elizabeth--" he tries.

"You don't get to order me around!" Elizabeth yells. She heads for the stairs. "I'm not your girlfriend anymore!"

"Elizabeth, that's not what I'm trying to do--" He stops and shakes his head. He should have seen this coming. "It's not going to work, Elizabeth."

She turns on the steps and stares at him. "What are you talking about?"

"You're pushing me away."

"You're being ridiculous," Elizabeth murmurs. She folds her arms across her chest and looks away. "I just don't appreciate being told what to do."

"I'm sorry if that's what if felt like, but I really only want to help."

Elizabeth hesitates. Her eyes glance around the penthouse, taking in the surroundings. "This place looks different."

Jason rubs the back of his neck. "Courtney redecorated."

"Oh." She looks at the couch, takes in the candles everywhere, the rugs, the hutch by the pool table and frowned. "It still doesn't look like you live here."

"Yeah, well..." Jason sighs. "Elizabeth, you don't have the studio anymore. The supervisor at your building let you out of your lease."

She stares at him. "I know that. I asked him to do it."

"You were...you were really going to do it, weren't you?" Jason asks softly.

She sinks to the steps, as if sudden boneless and unable to hold herself up. She stares at the bitten down nails on her fingers. "Possibly," she admits.

Jason lowers himself to the step next to her. "Why?" he asks.

Elizabeth shrugs, tugs at a strand of her dark damp hair. "I just...I was tired, Jason. I felt lost. Like..." she hesitates, searching for the right words. "I had nowhere to stand. When Emily told me she hated me and started talking to Courtney, it was like the ground dropped out from beneath me."

**Changing slowly**

Emily and Lucky enter Kelly's. As soon as they are inside, Zander stands up from his chair. "I've been looking for you guys all morning."

Emily sighs, not ready to go another round with him. "What is it, Zander?"

He holds up a letter with words scrawled on it. Lucky winces. Elizabeth must have mailed her remaining letters.

"This letter from Elizabeth was waiting for me." His eyes are dark and worried. "Where is she?"

"She's fine," Emily answers. "She was thinking of leaving town and I guess she mailed the letters to the people she couldn't find."

"But Jason found her before she got on the bus," Lucky chimes in. "And she's staying."

"Jason convinced her to stay?" Zander asks skeptically. " _Jason_?"

Their conversation has garnered the interest of the blonde waitress and she approaches them. "What about Jason?"

"Don't worry about it," Lucky snarls, in no mood to deal with Jason's hateful girlfriend.

"Lucky," Emily says, touching his arm. She looks to Courtney. "Jason found Elizabeth."

The blonde's eyes narrow. After a conversation with Carly the previous night, Courtney had no doubts about what Elizabeth had been about to do. "Where is she now?" she asks.

"With Jason," Lucky is unable to resist telling her. He watches the cold fury wash over her face and regrets it. Elizabeth does not need Courtney storming in and being an idiot.

"But she's okay?" Zander asks, quickly. "I mean, this letter... I thought..."

"Yeah, we thought so, too," Emily says quietly. "But we were wrong and she's fine."

Zander doesn't believe their story, but he gets the general gist. Elizabeth was in a bad place the day before. She'd been planning on doing something potentially bad and Jason had stopped her.

"Okay," Zander replies. "If you see her, tell her to call me." His eyes find Emily's. "I've been holding something against her, something we worked out between us a long time ago. It was between _us_ , and we never meant to hurt anyone." He takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry that it did, but we can't change it. She is my friend and I had no right to do what I did."

Emily nods. "You're right. What happened had nothing to do with me and I shouldn't have taken it personally. I should have realized that Elizabeth is my best friend and wouldn't do anything to hurt me."

The cryptic conversation has irritated Courtney and she has returned to her shift.

But she keeps her mind firmly on the fact that Jason found Elizabeth and that she is with him right now.

And that is  _completely_  unacceptable.

**I am chasing**

After a few moments of silence, Elizabeth sighs. "You don't understand."

"I do understand," Jason argues. "Elizabeth..." He hesitates and looks away. His eyes catch one of the various pieces of artwork Courtney had hung on the walls of the penthouse. He'd hated having them up, had done everything he could to avoid looking at them. Every time he saw one, it reminded him of Elizabeth and how he used to watch her paint.

"Do you remember that morning you found me in the snow?" Jason asks.

"I don't think I'll ever forget it," Elizabeth says softly. "I was so scared."

"You never asked why I went to the box car," Jason tells her.

She shrugs. "I figured if you'd want me to know...you know, you'd tell me."

"The night I was shot...it was the same night that Carly and Sonny slept together." There's no emotion in the sentence, none of the shock and pain that Jason held felt all those years ago is evident.

But Elizabeth knows better. And she finds herself taking his hand and holding it in hers. He glanced up at her to find her eyes concerned and full of sorrow. It was so typical of her...to be so concerned with someone else even while  _she_  was hurting.

"I went into the penthouse to tell him...and she came downstairs in one of his shirts," Jason continues. "I left." He met her eyes again. "I probably would have died if you hadn't found me."

She bites her lip and looks away. "I don't like to think about that."

"I know how you feel Elizabeth," Jason tells her. "I know it feels like to have nothing. But you should know better than anyone else...that it goes away."

"It never goes away," Elizabeth replies softly. "It hides...you forget about it." She met his eyes. "But it never goes away."

**Climbing closer**

Emily sighs and takes a seat at a corner table. "I wish you hadn't said that."

"Said what?" Lucky asks. He glances at Courtney out of the corner of his eye. The blonde looks severely agitated and he can not resist a small grin. "Serves her right."

"But now she's going to go right over to the penthouse after her shift," Emily replies. "Elizabeth doesn't need her paranoia."

" _Is_  it paranoia?" Lucky inquires. He shrugs. "I don't know sometimes. Courtney's not the brightest person in the world, but even she sees what the rest of us ignore."

"What are you talking about?" Emily asks, grateful to have the spotlight off of her and her own problems.

"That no matter how many times they say it, Jason and Elizabeth are not over one another." Lucky scratches his chin. "Y'know, Elizabeth blamed herself for the way things ended with Jason. And she decided that she wasn't going to run from her feelings anymore. She was going to fight. She was dating Ric when she made that decision and she threw her entire life into making it work."

"I know my brother," Emily says. "He's not innocent. He didn't tell her how he felt either. I've managed to pry that much out of him."

"So, I'm saying is that Courtney gets that. She gets that because there is so much unresolved between them...they're not over." Lucky frowns. "But we're not here to talk about your brother and Elizabeth."

"Lucky--"

"Emily, no more stalling."

Emily looks down at her hands. "That box I said was for my grandmother..."

"It wasn't artifacts was it?" Lucky asks.

"No." Emily is careful to avoid his eyes. "It was...well...I suppose medication would be the best way to describe it."

Lucky let the word roll around in his head for few moments before speaking. "Medication," he repeats. "Emily--"

"It's not like before," she's quick to assure him. "It's just that...I was diagnosed...with...." She trails off, unable to continue past the lump in her throat.

His heart clenches at the word  _diagnosed_  and his eyes widen in fear. Had Jason saved one friend just as they were both about to lose another?

**I know that I'll never be alone**

Jason hasn't spoken in a few moments and Elizabeth is sure that he won't. But instead he does. He takes a deep breath.

"If you believe that, then you're not the same person I always thought you were."

The disappointment is clear and true in his voice and it stings her more than anything else ever has. She clears her throat and looks away, blinking back the tears.

"That's the problem," she tells him. "I'm  _not_  the same person anymore. I am not that girl that you gave a ride home once. I'm not the same girl who found you in the snow. I'm not the same girl who ran to meet you on the docks. I'm not the girl who was torn between you and Lucky and Jason, I'm not even the same person who walked out your penthouse." She stands. "And that's why I can't stay here."

He grabs her hand and stops her ascent. "Wait, Elizabeth--"

"For what?" she asks softly. "So you can tell me again that you're disappointed in me? That attempting suicide wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done? You don't have to tell me these things, Jason." Her eyes are dry when they meet his. "I already know."

She tugs her hand from his grasp. "I have to go."

Jason stands and overtakes her quickly, blocking her way. "Where are you going to go?"

"It doesn't matter," Elizabeth replies. "Because whether or not I stay here, it doesn't change a damn thing. You will still be dating Courtney and refuse to see that I left this penthouse for reasons you still don't understand. Reasons you didn't want to see. And I will still be the same idiot who dated a rapist and thought she'd finally made the right choice."

"You are _not_  an idiot," Jason tells her firmly and quietly. "Maybe I don't understand why you left here. I probably have no idea. But what has been between us, what will always between us...is the fact I do love you, Elizabeth." Her startled eyes flew to meet his. "You won't change that about me even if you walk out. Again."

Elizabeth wets her lip and struggles to speak. "I--" She falls silent, not knowing how to say what she's feeling.

Finally, she shifts and looks at her feet. "All right," she whispers.

His brow furrows as he stares at her. "All right what?" he asks, feeling that he was won some sort of strange victory.

"I'll stay." She nervously stuck a piece of hair behind her ear. "I won't walk away again. Just..."

"Just what?" he asks when she doesn't continue.

"Promise me something."

"Anything," he says immediately.

Her eyes flick away nervously before meeting his. "Promise me you won't walk away first."

It hangs between them – the times  _he_  walked when it mattered. The first time, when it nearly destroyed her world. And the second time after Elizabeth had been too afraid to give up on her promises and obligations. Elizabeth wasn't the only person good at walking away. Jason, himself, was a master. And somewhere along the line, he'd taught her how to do it.

"I won't walk away."

She searches his eyes, as if looking for some sight of false promise. It pains him when she seems so skeptical, knowing that he was the one that made her doubt it. He'd once been the only honest person in her life and he'd changed that with one lie. Until that second, he didn't realize how much he'd depended on her faith in him.

"I promise, Elizabeth," he says. "I won't walk away."

This time, something in his voice clears the doubt from her eyes. She bites her lip. "I'm sort of tired. I'm going to take a nap."

Jason nods and lets her pass, feeling like maybe they'd both made a small victory.

**You will never let me go**

Lucky stares at Emily, horrified at the implication that something is medically wrong. "Diagnosed," he repeats again. Each time he says the word, the coil in his stomach winds tighter.

"I--" Emily sucks in a deep breath. "Yeah. With...uh...cancer."

"Cancer." Another word in his mind to turn over and analyze until it would drive him crazy. "What...what kind?"

Emily blinks away tears and looks down. "It's...it's breast cancer. Like my mother."

Lucky exhales slowly. "Are you...getting treatment?" he asks, forcing himself to keep his voice even and calm.

Emily bites her lip. "I did a round of chemo before starting on this new medication. It's experimental and all."

"Experimental?" Lucky asks. "What do you mean _experimental_? Like you don't know if it's going to work?"

"Lucky, this cancer runs in my family," Emily tells him gently. "My mother died of it. The chemo didn't work. And the medication, well..."

The coil in his stomach suddenly snaps, flooding fear throughout his body. "What about the medication?"

"It's not working either," Emily admits softly. "Lucky, the doctors say...that the tumor has spread. It's...not good."

**You are my anchor**

She looks at peace when she's sleeping. Whatever demons chase her during the waking hours seem at bay now.

Jason steps away from the door way and closes the door softly, not wanting to wake her. She's safe now, that's all that matters. He knows she's safely esconced in her old room and not out on some bridge contemplating suicide.

It still stuns him how far she'd gone into this dark abysmal place where she felt that no one cared about her. It stuns him that no one saw it happening. And it eats away at him that  _he_ didn't. Jason, who had once known exactly what Elizabeth was thinking by just glancing in her deep dark blue eyes...had no idea how isolated and lonely she'd become.

He sinks down on the leather couch, holding his head in his hands. He has to stop this rift between them, he needs to end it. He needs to stop it from widening. They are as far apart as ever, but he recognizes that their bond, their connection is still there. Beneath the hurt, the lies, the anger, the fighting, what had made them come together is still there. He just needs to make her remember that.

The sound of the door cracking open causes him to lunge out of his seat. He stares at Courtney in shock. Her face is flushed, her eyes dilated with fury.

"I want her out of here."

"Courtney--"

"Right now." Her voice is firm and clear and he recognizes that she expects him to comply. She expects him to heed her wishes and do so immediately.

"No."

She glares at him, and shakes a few strands of blonde hair out of her eyes. "You must be insane if you think I'm okay with you shacking up with that little tramp--"

"Stop it. Right now," Jason snaps. "You forget Courtney, that I don't have to run my every decision by you. This is  _my_  apartment, not yours. You made the decision to move out, not me. And Elizabeth is staying."

"The hell she is," Courtney snarls. "Relationships are about compromise, Jason. Give and take."

Jason blinks and stares at her for a moment. He can almost imagine Robin standing there, spewing the same words. Robin, who was never content with Jason's life. Never content with allowing Jason to live his own life, make his own decisions.

He'd once known why he and Robin had broken up. He'd known why it hadn't worked and one of the reasons he and Elizabeth had connected so quickly and so deeply was that Elizabeth never wanted anyone but Jason Morgan, the leather jacket wearing motorcycle riding guy who'd listened to her once upon a time at Jake's.

Carly had wanted Jason to be more than what he was, and she'd found exactly what she'd wanted in Sonny. Robin had wanted Jason to be anything  _but_  he who was and it hadn’t worked. Courtney apparently wanted Jason to be the type of guy she could order around and who'd adhere to her every whim.

Jason suddenly wonders how he managed to find himself with a combination of his two past mistakes with women in the blonde standing in front of him.

"This relationship is not about you telling me what you want me to do and expecting me to listen," Jason says quietly, his voice clear and true. "If that's what you want, you'd be better off turning around and walking away. Now."

**Hold my hand**

"What does  _not good_  mean?" Lucky asks, his voice rising with panic and fear. "What does that mean, Emily?"

"It means that unless I get a miracle treatment...." She trails off again. She doesn't need to finish. The implication is clear. Lucky stares at her stunned.

"Were you ever going to tell me?" Lucky asks sharply. "Or anyone? Does your family know? Jason? Zander?"

"No one knows," Emily replies quietly. "I thought it would make more sense just to live the rest of my life day by day. If I told my mother, she'd be angry because I put off getting the tests done. Because I didn't do monthly exams. My father would be devastated. Grandfather would run around trying to find a miracle cure, AJ would probably start drinking again, this would probably kill my grandmother and Jason...."

"You have to tell them," Lucky says. "You can't just let them think everything is wonderful, then have you up and die on them without warning!"

His voice is rising the longer he speaks and her eyes fill with tears. " _Please_ , Lucky, keep your voice down. I was going to tell them. As soon as I started getting worse. It's just...I just wanted things to be normal! Is that so hard to understand?"

Lucky shakes his head slowly. Because as horrible as he feels right now, as betrayed and lost...this isn't happening to him. This is happening to her. And he will do what she wants.

"Okay," he replies. "Okay. We'll handle this your way."

Emily nods and tries to smile at her. She fails and looks down. "Maybe we should call Jason. See how's it going there. If they're still alive or not."

Lucky nods and Emily pulled out her cell phone. She dialed Jason's number and waited a few minutes. "Jason?"

_"Hey, Em." Jason's voice is tight as Courtney glares at him. "Are you still coming over?"_

"We were there earlier and we heard the two of you yelling so we left. Is everything okay?" Emily asks. She eyes Lucky. "You sound upset. Is Elizabeth okay?"

_"Elizabeth is fine," Jason replies._

Emily frowns. "Then what's..." she stops and looks around the diner, noting the absence of the blonde waitress. "Courtney's there isn't she?"

_"Yeah." Jason rubs the back of his neck. "Emily, are you coming over?"_

"Tell Courtney to leave. Elizabeth doesn't need this right now," Emily directs. "Tell her if she's got a problem with it, to go to hell."

_"I thought you were friends," Jason says mystified._

"Because Elizabeth hated her," Emily replies, a bit sheepishly.

_"Okay. You coming over?" Jason asks again. "It would mean a lot to Elizabeth if you came." He ignores Courtney growl of anger and concentrates on his baby sister's voice._

"We'll be right over." Emily hangs up and looks at Lucky. "Courtney's over there and it didn't sound pretty. We need to go there now."

**While I'm sinking in the sand**

Jason hangs up the phone. "Courtney, there's no reason for you to be here right now," he says quietly. He avoids looking at her. "It's not helping things."

"Look, I know the little twit tried to commit suicide, but don't you see what she's trying to do?" Courtney asks, suddenly changing her voice. She smiles at him. "She realizes what a mistake she made when she walked out on you and now she wants you back. She's just trying to get your--"

"If you say what I think you are, just stop right now," Jason cuts in. "Don't make this worse than it has to be."

"Make what worse?" Courtney asks softly. Her eyes fill with tears and her lower lip trembles. "Jason, what's going on?"

He holds a hand up and sighs. "Courtney, just stop now. I can't deal with this--"

"Deal with what?" Courtney demands angrily, her voice switching back instantly. "Our relationship? The fact that you're leaving me for Elizabeth?"

He stares at her incredulously. "What?"

"That's what this is about, isn't it?" she replies. "You've decided you don't love me anymore, that you've loved  _her_  along, right?"

"Courtney, I never said anything--"

"You didn't have to," Courtney snaps. "I'm not an idiot. Fine, have it your away. But when she walks out again, do not come to me!" She whirls around and slams her way back out of the penthouse.

Jason stares at the door for a second. He waits for the empty feeling to enter his body again, like it did the night Elizabeth walked out.

He waits.

And then he realizes why he doesn't feel it again. He never lost that feeling. It hadn't gone away.

He was  _still_  empty inside.

Soft footsteps tear his thoughts away from the realization and he turns to see Elizabeth on the steps. "I thought you were asleep."

"I was," she says. "But the door woke me up." She bites her lip. "I'm sorry...I should have left--"

"I don't want you to leave," Jason cuts in swiftly. "I thought we settled that."

She studies him for a second before speaking again. "I don't need to be saved, Jason. So if you're looking for someone else that needs a hero, you'd be better off chasing after Courtney."

"I know you don't need to be saved," Jason replies. "You never needed me to do that. You were always able to take care of yourself."

"I didn't need you to save me and I still don't," she says. "But I needed you to be there, Jason. I needed you--" She stops suddenly and looks away.

"Finish." Jason swallows hard. "Finish."

She stares at him a moment and folds her arms tightly across her chest. "I needed you to love me as much as I loved you."

Her words stun him into silence and before Jason can find his voice, the penthouse door opens and Emily strides in, Lucky hot on her heels.

"I just saw Courtney leave," she snarls. "Did she talk to Elizabeth? Is Elizabeth okay?"

**No one else could understand**

Elizabeth gapes at Emily and her words. " _Emily_."

Emily's head snaps to the stairs. Elizabeth's eyes filled with tears at the sudden and intense look of relief that appears on her estranged friend's face.

"Jesus Christ," Emily murmurs. She darts up the stars and pulls the other woman into a tight hug. "You scared me so bad, Elizabeth."

Lucky hangs back while the two embraced. He shoves his hands in his pockets. "Hey, Jason."

"Lucky," Jason replies affably.

"Elizabeth, I am so sorry for everything," Emily tells Elizabeth pulling back. "You mean so much to me, and you're my best friend in the whole world, but I was jealous and I was upset and I wasn't thinking straight and I am  _so_  sorry!"

She begins to cry again and pulls Elizabeth into another hug. "I'm sorry!"

"I'm sorry, too," Elizabeth murmurs. "You don't even know how sorry I am. God, Emily--"

"There's so much we need to talk about," Emily tells her. She turns to look at her brother and Lucky. "Do you mind if we ditch you two and go talk upstairs?" Emily asks.

Lucky shrugs. "Sure. But I got dibs on her later, k?" He flashes his old girlfriend a smile. "Lizzie, you got some explaining to do."

She manages a tired smile before leading Emily upstairs to the guest room.

Lucky eyes Jason, his gaze suddenly fierce. "I want to know your intentions and I want to know them now."

**You are my anchor**

Elizabeth closes the door behind her and watches Emily look around the room. "What is it?"

"Something about this room...it just feels like it doesn't belong with Jason's penthouse," Emily replies. "I know Courtney redid the downstairs, but..."

"This is the room I was staying in last fall," Elizabeth says. "I guess Courtney didn't do anything to it." Her fingers trailed over the dresser where a hairbrush she'd left still lay on the smooth brown surface. "I'm surprised Jason didn't throw out the things I left."

"I didn't know you stayed here." Emily watches Elizabeth wander around the room. "Was that when you were dating Jason?"

Elizabeth turns and sighs. "I don't know if you can believe this, but Jason and I never dated."

"But you called me..." Emily frowns. "In September."

"I called right after..." Elizabeth shrug. "I called when I thought it was going to work. Emily, Jason and I...we're not right for each other."

"I don't know about that..." Emily trails off and sighs. "Elizabeth, you and Jason always had this connection--"

" _Had_ ," Elizabeth cuts in sharply. "I killed it." She meets the brown eyes of her best friend wearily. "The second Jason opened that door and saw Zander at my studio...I killed what was between us."

Emily looks down. "Tell me about it." The statement comes out hushed and soft, almost as if Emily was hoping her friend wouldn't hear her. "I want to know," she says in a firmer voice. "I  _want_  to know about it. Tell me about that night with Zander, about afterwards with Jason. I want you to _talk_ to me Elizabeth. Tell me what's going on."

"I..." Elizabeth inhales sharply. "I was kidnapped this summer..."

**It seems that I lost track of time**

"My intentions?" Jason repeats. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You screwed with her mind really bad the last time," Lucky replies. "I just want to make sure you don't do it again."

Irritated with being called on his behavior, Jason snaps back. "Like _you've_ never hurt her."

Lucky shrugs and looks away. "I know what I've done. I know I was wrong about a lot of things. I shouldn't have tried to control her. I should have trusted her more. I should never have touched Sarah. But Elizabeth knows my faults and she knows that I love her and care about her. I've been a rotten friend these last couple of years. I'm just trying to make it right."

He leans against the leather couch, his mind drifting already to the situation with Emily and the events of the previous day. "I don't know what I'd do if you hadn't found her yesterday. I mean....I can't imagine my life without Elizabeth in it. I don't want to either."

He looks down at the floor. "What kind of friend am I? I'm the only person near her right now, the only person she talked to...and I didn't see it. I didn't understand."

"You can't blame yourself," Jason says, feeling strangely out of place as he tries to assure Elizabeth's ex-fiancé. "Elizabeth's...she's always been good at pretending."

"Yeah..." Lucky sighs. "Yeah. I know. And it sucks. I can't believe after everything we've been through...that she can pretend with me."

"Sometimes you think you've got it figured out," Jason replies, more to himself than to Lucky. "You think you know someone inside and out and they still...they still surprise you. Still make you look at them and wonder what they're thinking."

"Elizabeth's always been like that. She's like a chameleon. Always changing who she is and how she acts," Lucky replies. "But the trick is to know why. What triggers the change."

"Ric did," Jason says, the venom in his voice clearly indicating his feelings for Ric Lansing. "Ric shook her trust in herself all over again, didn't he?"

"Yeah..." Lucky sighs and shakes his head. "Ric did a number on her. Made her think he loved her, made her trust him, and all the while..."

"He wanted to get to me and Sonny," Jason replies quietly. His eyes flash. "She'll never have to worry about him again."

"Good." Lucky shrugs. "Because if you hadn't made sure of that, I would. No one messes with Elizabeth." He studies Jason again. "Which brings me back to my original question."

"What's that?" Jason asks.

"What are you intentions and how badly do you want to be beaten should you hurt her again?" Lucky asks.

**And I can't believe my mind**

"I was locked in this dark crypt for days," Elizabeth says softly. "I was going out of my mind until they threw Zander in with me. He kept me sane, Em, and you know what? I finally saw the side of him you wanted us too. He is a good guy and I hope you give him another chance."

"Zander is good in a crisis," Emily agrees. She shifts on the bed and watches Elizabeth avoid her eyes. "Keep going Elizabeth."

"After Jason got us out..." Elizabeth sighs. "I was so scared all the time. I'd have panic attacks. And one night, I was locked in the stairwell." She closes her eyes and stares out the window that overlooks the harbor. "I was so scared. Zander got me out and when we went back to my studio, he kissed me. And I kissed him back." She turns back to her best friend. "I wanted to feel anything but the fear so I kept kissing him. And I told myself that Zander understood me. That it was okay."

"Oh, Elizabeth," Emily murmurs.

"I found out later that Jason saw us," Elizabeth continues quietly. "He saw me kissing Zander and he walked away and I don't think our friendship ever really recovered from that night."

Emily stands and joins her friend next to the window. "I shouldn't have held it against you. Or Zander. I had my own reasons for using it as a reason to push you away."

Elizabeth peers at her curiously. "Oh?"

Emily manages a weak smile. "We'll get into that later." Her eyes soften. "Why, Elizabeth? Why would you try..."

"I feel like I'm running a race," Elizabeth replies quietly. "I feel like I've been running it my entire life. But no matter how hard I try or how much effort I put into it, I keep falling behind. I keep losing. I keep tripping up and getting side tracked." She leans her head against the cool glass. "Em, I'm just so tired of running."

**Would you save me if  
I reached out to you**

"My intentions?" Jason repeats. He eyes the other man and frowns. "Why should I tell _you_?"

"Because if you don't intend on following through on rebuilding your friendship with her, you're setting her up to fail. Again." Lucky is not about to be deterred from his mission. "Because all of this--bringing her here, giving her place to stay, someone to listen to--she will think you care--"

"I do care," Jason interrupts.

"Then you _do_ plan on continuing what you've already started?" Lucky asks.

"Not that it's any of your business, but Elizabeth matters to me. She has always mattered to me, and I don't see that changing in the future." Jason exhales slowly. "I care about her and I want us to be friends again." He glares at the younger man. "Satisfied?"

"Immensely," Lucky says. "Got another question for ya."

"I'm sure you do."

"Emily told me that Carly got a letter, too. I know Zander did and I'm sure Elizabeth wrote a lot of people. I want to know what we should tell people."

"I think it's up to Elizabeth."

"I think it's something she doesn't need to worry about," Lucky argues. "You talked her off the bridge, all I'm saying is I'm not in any hurry to remind her she planned to do it in the first place."

"And I'm saying that it's her decision if she wants them to know the truth or not."

"Fine." Lucky shrugs. He looks away. "Do you think she would have done it?"

Jason sighs heavily, looks towards the balcony doors. "I know she planned to. I know that when I showed up, she was standing on the bridge, her arms out at her sides as if she were going to let herself fall."

"She was going to do it." Lucky leans against the desk and shakes his head. "I thought maybe...she'd leave or something and let us think she did. I don't know...I just...I didn't think..."

"None of us did," Jason says.

"I think that's what makes it so bad," Lucky responds. "Here we are, the people who are her friends, who have seen her through the worst times of her life...and we didn't see it coming."

**I'm waiting, watching, standing**

"We're all running that race," Emily assures Elizabeth. "And we all trip up and lag behind. But you _have_ to keep running, Elizabeth. Because if you stop, it's just...it's cruel to the people who don't _have_ a choice." Her tone is hard and angry.

Elizabeth frowns and studies her friend closely. "Emily, what's going on?"

"Because some of us would give  _everything_  to have a chance to keep going, to keep running that race that you're so tired of and we can't!" Emily cries. "We're not given the same choice!"

Elizabeth is stunned. She reaches for her friend, but Emily backs off. "I swear to God, Elizabeth, if you throw this away--if you throw your life away just because life has been shitty for a few years--then you are not the person I thought you were!"

"You don't understand--"

"You picked yourself up after the rape!" Emily shoots back. "You put your life back together after Lucky died, after your failed wedding. Jesus, Elizabeth, you are  _not_  someone who gives up! You are a fighter!"

"I'm tired of having to claw my way through life! I am so _sick_ of having to fight--"

"If it comes too easy, it's not worth it. Elizabeth, you are not meant to jump off a bridge. You were meant for other things. To finish college, get married, have a family, be an artist. You were meant to survive!"

"And what about you?" Elizabeth accuses. "What are you meant to do?"

"I'm meant to live my life to the fullest for as long as I can!" Emily is crying now. "You have to fight, Elizabeth. Because one of us needs to make it."

**I am reaching**

"They've been up there for an awful long time," Lucky says quietly. He glances at the stairs. "Do you think they're okay?"

"They had a lot to talk about," Jason replies. He shifts uncomfortably. "I'm going to ask Elizabeth to stay here for a while."

"That's good," Lucky replies. "She needs a place to feel safe and for some reason, she's always felt that way with you."

"I will always protect her." Jason looks away. "I should have warned her about Ric."

"She wouldn't have listened to you," Lucky tells him. "She likes to believe the best about people. You remember when everyone told her that you were bad, and she shouldn't be around you."

"She didn't listen to them either. Even though she was probably better off."

"Don't let Elizabeth hear you say that or she'll launch into her usual defense." Lucky studies him for a minute. "She still defends you, you know. To everyone."

Jason isn't sure how to respond to that, so he stays silent.

**Climbing closer**

"What does that mean?" Elizabeth asks softly. "One of us has to?"

"It means that I don't get to make the same choices you do," Emily replies. She shifts and looks away. "It means that when I stop running that race you speak of, it won't be by choice."

"Emily, please!" Elizabeth's eyes tear up. " _What_ is going on?"

"I'm dying!" Emily cries. "Dying, Elizabeth!"

The word shocks Elizabeth into silence and she blinks. "D-dying?"

"I have breast cancer and nothing is working," Emily tells her brokenly. "Not chemo, not alternative treatment."

"What about surgery?" Elizabeth asks desperately.

"Don't you think I've asked about all of that? Thought of all the solutions?" Emily says sharply. "Don't be naïve, Elizabeth. You should know better than anyone that not everyone gets their happy ending."

"Does Jason know?" Elizabeth asks.

"No one else but you and Lucky knows," Emily answers. "I don't want you to tell him, either."

"So what happens after?" Elizabeth asks. "Are you never going to tell him?"

"I haven't decided yet."

"Emily, you have to tell him--"

"I don't  _have_  to do anything!" Emily retorts.

Elizabeth stares at her for a moment. "You're right. You don't." She slips past her and leaves the room.

Emily lets out a low breath and collapses onto the bed. She hadn't realized how angry she was at Elizabeth for choosing to give up what was being ripped from her.

And she wonders if there was any way to bridge the gap.

**I know that I'll never be alone**

Elizabeth pads down the steps and sits down on the third step from the bottom. "Go ahead," she says softly.

Lucky frowns. "What?"

"Yell at me." Elizabeth shrugs one shoulder and rubs the back of her neck. "Seems to be the running theme."

Lucky shrugs and squats in front of her. "You know I love you right?"

"Yeah."

"And that no other woman in my life has ever measured up to you, right?"

Jason frowns behind him, but Elizabeth just smiles. "And no one's ever...matched you."

"Okay, now that we've reaffirmed that, I just want you to know that I would be destroyed if I lost you."

"You don't have to worry anymore," Elizabeth tells him. "I've gotten it out of my system."

Lucky lowers his voice. "Why didn't you say something?"

"What was I supposed to tell you?" Elizabeth asks softly. "That I hate waking up in the morning? That all I want to do is curl up in a little ball and never look at anyone?"

"Yeah," Lucky replies. "Because I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on."

"Maybe I didn't want help."

"You wouldn't have left that letter for me if you didn't," Lucky tells her.

"I didn't think you'd get that letter until today," Elizabeth whispers.

"You could have mailed all those letters, why did you give some of them to Max?" Lucky tries again. "You had to know he'd give them to Jason or Carly or whatever as soon as he saw them."

"I didn't think they'd care," she breathes.

**You will never let me go**

Jason inhales sharply. "What?"

Elizabeth looks at him, surprised. She'd forgotten he was in the room. "Jason..."

"You think I'd get a letter like that and I wouldn't _care_?" Jason asks, stunned.

Lucky straightens. "I'm going to, ah, check on Emily." He disappears up the stairs, leaving them alone.

Jason stares at her and shakes his head. "I can't believe how far apart we are," he mutters. He drops next to her on the stairs. "How did we get here, Elizabeth?"

"I don't know," she replies. "One second, we were more than friends and the next...we were nothing."

"I don't want to be this way with you." He stares at his hands. "I don't want all the anger and the hurt to stay between us."

"I made a mistake," Elizabeth says quietly. "I walked out and I never told you why."

"I let you walk out and I never told you much I needed you," Jason responds.

"I tried to so hard to be what you needed. I tried not to ask questions, I tried to just...be there for you. But I guess...in the end..." she trails off and sighs. "I wasn't enough."

"That is not true," Jason argues. "I shouldn't have lied. I should have found a way to tell you the truth--"

"It wasn't the lie." She looks at him. "It was you.  _You_  made me feel like I wasn't good enough."

**You are my anchor**

Lucky finds Emily sitting alone, staring at the wall. "Em?"

"I'm angry with her," Emily says softly. He leans against the doorjamb and just listens. "I'm angry because she was so willing to throw her life and I'm going to lose mine. She has the chance to live, and she was going to throw it away."

Lucky nods. "I can see where that might have made you mad."

"She's my best friend in the whole world, and I used the Zander excuse to push her and him away. I used it against her so she wouldn't see me get sick. I was so busy protecting myself that I missed what was going on with her. And I think that I'm even more furious with myself."

"Did you tell her?" Lucky asks.

"I was so mad...I just screamed it at her." Emily twists and looks at him. "And after she asked me about treatment and all that...do you know what she said?"

"What?"

"She asked me if I'd told Jason." Emily shakes her head. "As always, her first concern is him."

"That's how people in love act," Lucky replies. "They worry about each other, they think of each other first. She's loved Jason for a long time, Em."

"I know that. I didn't always want to know it, but I did." She sighs. "Do you remember that last night...before the fire?"

"Yeah."

"It's so vivid in my mind. You and Elizabeth, me and Nikolas. Best friends. Sisters. Brothers. We were...we were as close to perfect as possible. Everything was going well." She shakes her head. "Do you ever wish you can go back there?"

"Some times," Lucky admits. "When I remember how in love Elizabeth and I used to be, and how new my relationship with Nikolas was and how close we all were. It was a good time, Em. But we grew up."

"Yeah..."

"That's not necessarily a bad thing." Lucky sat next to her. "You need to grow, you need to change. I had to...go away...so Elizabeth could learn to be strong on her own. You had to meet Juan so that you understood just how special what you and Zander have together. And Elizabeth and I had to change...and break up...so that she was able to be her own person and fall in love again."

"Do you think it ever gets any easier?" Emily asks.

Lucky shrugs. "Probably not. But how much fun would life be if it were?"

"Lucky?" Emily whispers.

"Yeah?"

"I'm scared to die," she whispers.

He clears his throat and blinks at the tears that spring to his eyes. "And I'm scared to let you go."

**Hold my hand  
While I'm sinking in the sand**

"It's ironic," Jason says finally. "Because I always thought I wasn't good enough for you."

She licks her lip nervously and stares at her feet. "What did you mean when you said you love me?" she asked softly.

"I meant that I love you," Jason repeats. "That's never changed, Elizabeth. I tried to change it, I tried to forget it. But I keep coming back to that."

"Why does it always have to be so hard?" she whispers. "Why can't it just be enough to say the words and to mean them?"

"It would have been once." He stares ahead. "If I'd told you months ago."

"I wish that things could be different." Elizabeth hesitates. "I wish that I hadn't found out like this."

"I couldn't tell you." He chuckles a little. "It seems stupid now, but I thought you wouldn't feel the same so I couldn't tell you. I told myself that if you said it first...then... _then_  I would say it."

"Ric said it to me." Elizabeth laughs bitterly. "I ate it up. I had this charming guy who treated me like I mattered, who told me I was beautiful, who turned his phone off when we were together...who I thought was honest with me."

"It's not wrong to want to believe the best in people, Elizabeth," Jason tells her. "That's...that's something you've always done. Believed in people. You believed in me when everyone told you not to."

"They didn't know you like I did," Elizabeth says stubbornly.

"I'm sorry I wasn't the type of man you deserved," Jason says. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, that I didn't let you know how much I cared."

"You did, in your own way," Elizabeth admits. "I just...I always look for the catch, for the bad news. And if I can't find it, I'll insist something is wrong anyway because that's just the way my life is." She meets his eyes. "You said it in every way possible except for saying the words."

"And I should have said them," Jason insists. "Because I should have realized how much you needed to hear it."

"I get sick of being sorry for things I did wrong," Elizabeth murmurs. "I wish I could stop looking in the past and just...concentrate on getting through the day."

"Will you please...stay a little while?" he asks. "Here...in the penthouse?"

"I'll stay," Elizabeth agrees. She smiles weakly. "Until I figure out how to fix my life."

"Maybe it doesn't need to be fixed," Jason tells her. "Maybe...you shouldn't worry about fixing things or making things right for people." He brushes her hair out of her face. "Maybe you should just decide what you want from your life and do it."

"That sounds like a good idea," she responds. "Jason?"

"Yeah?"

"Are we..." she hesitates and looks away. "Are we okay?"

"Yeah." Jason nods and leans forward to kiss her forehead. "Yeah, we're okay."

**No one else could understand**

Emily and Lucky stand on the landing and clear their throats to get Jason and Elizabeth's attentions.

"We're going to go," Emily says softly. "I need...I need to be alone for a little while."

Jason and Elizabeth stand and move off the stairs. Elizabeth crosses her arms and looks away as Emily passes her.

At the door, Emily stops Lucky and turns back to Elizabeth. "I'm glad you're okay. And I...I'll think about what you said."

Elizabeth nods and closes her eyes at the sound of the door softly clicking shut. "She hates me."

"She doesn't hate you," Jason argues quickly. "She's upset."

She just nods and they fall into silence. After a moment, Elizabeth exhales slowly. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do now."

"I guess you'd better clear out your studio," Jason says. "You can use the other guest room for the art supplies if you want."

"Jason--"

"You promised me you'd stay for a while, remember?" Jason asks. "I'll find some guys to help you and I'll get the furniture put into storage."

"I can't hide here forever," Elizabeth says hesitantly. "Eventually...I'll have to leave."

"Yeah." Jason sighs. "Yeah, I know that." His thumb brushes over her cheek. "Just because you never needed me to save you...it never stopped me from wanting to."

"Jason...thank you." She hesitates. "I'm glad you showed up last night when you did."

"I didn't do--"

"Yes, you did," Elizabeth cuts in. "As usual, you never give yourself any credit. I was going to jump last night, I know that about myself. And you managed to show me at the last minute...that no matter how much I isolate myself, there are people who still care about me. People who..." she pauses. "People who need me to be strong when they can't. I've tried to so hard not to let them down--"

"You can't decide to live for  _them_ , you have to live for yourself," Jason argues.

"I know that. But I've got to start somewhere." She runs a hand through her hair. "I'm gonna go take a nap."

**You are my anchor yeah**  
Anchor yeah  
Anchor yeah 

The first time she smiles is after a midnight bike ride. He takes the cliff roads and is relieved when he hears her screaming into the wind.

He takes her to Vista Point and she's smiling when she climbs off the bike. Her hair is tousled and there's a hint of sparkle in her eyes.

"I forgot how much I liked those turns," she tells him shyly as she stares out over the lights of Port Charles.

"It's been a while since we just took a ride for fun," Jason tells her. "I didn't realize how much I missed it."

"Carly came over while you were at the warehouse," Elizabeth tells him. "She wanted to give me back the letter for Sonny."

"She didn't tell him about it," Jason says. "He didn't come home until after I brought you to the penthouse, so she didn't see the need."

"She thanked me for writing what I did..." Elizabeth sighs. "And she apologized for always being so nasty to me."

"Well, that's good isn't it?" Jason asks.

Elizabeth shrugs. "I didn't want her pity. And it feels like...it feels like everyone is whispering behind my back, like they all know."

"You didn't have to tell them the truth," Jason reminds her. "You could have just said you were going to leave town."

"I could have...but then I would be lying. And I didn't want to do that."

"Carly doesn't pity you," Jason says firmly. "She's not that kind of a person. If she apologized, she meant it." He hesitates and reaches into the pocket of his leather jacket, withdrawing the worn envelope with his name scrawled in her handwriting. "I wanted to give this back."

She takes it and frowns. "You never opened it."

**I am walking  
Changing slowly**

"I couldn't," Jason replies. He rubs the back of his neck. "When Carly got her letter and I read that...I just had to find you. And once I did...I didn't feel right reading it."

"Why not?" Elizabeth asks softly.

"Because what you wrote in that letter was meant to be read when you were...after you were..." He hesitates. "After you were gone."

She studies him for a moment before handing it back to him. "I want you to read it anyway."

"Elizabeth--"

"You don't have to do it now," Elizabeth says. "But...you deserve to know how I feel about you."

He looks down at the envelope and looks back up at her. "Then why don't you tell me?"

She reaches for the letter again and opens the envelope. She unfolds the paper and takes a deep breath, looking up to meet his eyes before she starts reading it.

" _Dear Jason_ ," she begins. " _I think out of all the letters I've written in the last few hours, this one is the most difficult. I've always had trouble using words to tell you exactly how I feel about you because honestly, there aren't any words._ " She pauses. " _I know you probably won't understand why I'm doing this or why I gave up, but I wanted you to know that this isn't because of anything you did. It's not because we're not friends anymore or because we broke up._ "

She pauses again and closes her eyes, having memorized the contents of this letter. " _I wanted you to know that I have cherished every moment of our friendship and there isn't one second that I would take back or change. I think that we are who we are because of the choices we made. You chose to leave town that first time and I chose to believe what was best for Lucky was best for me. Right or wrong, those choices shaped me, they changed me._ "

" _You have always shown me that the only way to live life is on my terms and I wish I'd listened to you long ago. I'm sorry that I couldn't say goodbye in person, but I don't think I could have done it. No matter how much I practiced it in front of a mirror, I could never do it. Goodbye isn't a word that we've said to each other and I don't see why we should start now._ "

" _I don't know if we'll see each other again, but I wanted you to know that I've always loved you. I think part of me fell in love with you after that first ride at Jake's and I hope that I was half the friend to you that you were to me. I'll see you later._ "

**I am chasing  
Climbing closer**

She folds the letter up and hands it to him. He takes it wordlessly and puts it back in his pocket.

"You were," he says quietly.

She frowns. "What?"

"You said that you hoped you were half the friend that I was to you." Jason meets her eyes and doesn't look away. "You were, Elizabeth. You were the best friend that I could have asked for."

"Are you disappointed in me?" She bites her lip, waiting for his answer.

He frowns. "Disappointed?"

"Because of what I tried to do."

He exhales slowly and turns his eyes back to the view of the city. "I'm disappointed in myself," he says quietly. "I'm disappointed that I let things get so bad between us and that I didn't see..."

"Jason, you hadn't seen me in over a month. How were you supposed to know?"

"Anyway, the answer is no," Jason says, shrugging off her answer. "I'm not disappointed in you."

"Really?" she asks hopefully. She searches for the lights of Harborview Towers and concentrate on them. She can even see the corner of his penthouse from here if she squints.

"I don't always understand your choices," Jason says. "I don't always agree with them either. But they're not my choices to make and they're not my choices to be disappointed in. The only person who gets to decide that is you."

"I'll let you know if I ever figure that out," she murmurs.

"You want to get back?" Jason asks, tilting his head in the direction of the parking lot.

"Not really, but I suppose we have to."

**I know that I'll never be alone  
You will never let me go**

"Here you are," Emily says, leaning against the balcony door. Jason sips his coffee and smiles at his little sister.

"Hey, I didn't know you were coming over."

She shrugs and joins him on the balcony. "I guess summer's really here," she says, peering over the harbor, seeing the boats in the river and some swimmers.

"Well, it's almost July," Jason answers. He can tell something is on her mind, but he's going to wait until she's ready to come to him.

"How's this last month been?" Emily asks. "With Elizabeth, I mean."

"Different," Jason admits. "I think we've made real progress--she smiles more, she's not so guarded with her answers around me."

"How is she?" Emily asks. "Is she...better?"

"I think so," he responds. "She's spending more time in the studio."

Emily smiles. "She told me about that--how you surprised--or  _ambushed_  her, as she puts it--with the guest room completely redone to be a studio."

"She needed somewhere to paint," Jason says simply. "She'd been filling up her sketchbooks."

"You don't want her to leave, do you?"

Jason shrugs and looks away. "It doesn't really matter. She's looking for a job now--it's only a matter of time."

"I'm not asking if it's possible, I'm  _asking_  if that's what you want," Emily says patiently.

"No," Jason tells her. "I don't want her to leave. I want her to live here. With me."

"She needs to be on her own for a while," Emily says softly. "She really shouldn't jump into any kind of relationship."

"I know that," Jason replies. He stares into his coffee cup. "But you asked."

"Yeah. I did." Emily scratches her neck. "Have you seen Courtney?"

"Here and there," Jason replies. "She's not talking to me, which makes it easier, I guess. I'm sorry I had to hurt her...but we're both better off."

Emily nods in agreement. After a moment, she clears her throat. "The day that I talked to Elizabeth...I told her something. I told her something that up until this point I have only told her and Lucky."

Jason studies his sister for a moment. "What's going on, Em?"

"She told me that I should tell you....so please don't hold it against her for not telling you--"

"I wouldn't," Jason says. "Emily..."

"I--I have breast cancer."

**You are my anchor**

Elizabeth pushes open the penthouse door, setting her purse on the table. Another day of useless interviews--at this rate, she is never going to leave this penthouse.

She glances at her watch and decides Jason must be at the warehouse by now. She's on her way towards the stairs to paint in her studio when she spies him sitting on the balcony.

He's sitting on the ground, his back against the railing, his elbows on his knees. She frowns and crosses the room.

"Jason?"

He looks up at her, his eyes are rimmed with red. "Emily came over."

"Oh," she breathes. She sits on the ground next to him. "Are you okay?"

"I don't really know," he admits. "My sister just told me she's dying. I suppose I should feel something."

Elizabeth sighs and leans against the railing. "It's all I've been thinking about this last month."

"She deserves better than this," Jason says softly. "She deserves more."

"I know."

He doesn't say anything else and neither does she. After a moment, she leans her head against his shoulder and he puts his arm around her. For now, they can find comfort in each other.

**Hold my hand**

"I didn't get the job," she says after nearly an hour of sitting in silence.

"Which one?" he asks.

"Any of them," she replies. She sighs. "I'm too under qualified for just about everything. No one wants to hire an art major/college drop out."

"Maybe you should just go back to school," Jason suggests.

"I can't afford it," Elizabeth replies. "Besides, there's no job waiting for a graduated art major."

"I could use a secretary at the warehouse."

"You're just saying that," Elizabeth replies. "And I can't live off your generosity forever."

"You could if you wanted to," Jason reminds her.

"You know I can't do that."

"I know."

"Do you...do you really need a secretary?" Elizabeth asks hesitantly.

"Sure," Jason replies. "You interested?"

She smiles weakly and looks at him. "I think you're just looking for an excuse to keep me around."

"Do I need an excuse?"

**While I'm sinking in the sand**

"No," she replies softly. "No, you don't need an excuse."

He smiles at her then, and tilts his head towards her a little more. He searches her eyes for a sign.

She angles her head up and closes her eyes. The kiss is soft and gentle and lasts only for a few moments.

She pulls away and looks down. "I want this, Jason...but..."

"It's not the right time," Jason finishes. "I know."

"We never do seem to get it right, do we?" she murmurs. "You'd think we'd buy a clue."

"This time it's different," Jason argues. "I know you need time--"

"I need a lot of time," Elizabeth tells him. "I don't know how long. But I--I need to be able to trust myself before I go into any kind of relationship."

"I understand," Jason replies. "And I'm willing to wait as long as you need me to."

"Okay," she says finally. "Okay."  
 **  
No one else could understand**

Emily knocks on Lucky's door lightly. She hugs herself tightly, waiting for him to answer. When he pulls the door open, he takes one look at her and knows instantly.

"You told him, huh?"

She nods and he pulls her into his arms, hugging her tightly.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

She shakes her head. "No. I'm not. I--I could see how much this hurt him, but I didn't stay. I left as soon as I explained that surgery and chemo weren't options anymore."

"He'll be okay," Lucky assures her. "He's got Elizabeth."

"It's not fair," she whispers. Her eyes tear up. "It's not."

"You gonna tell Zander?" Lucky asks, pushing the door shut and leading her to the bed. She sinks down and sighs.

"Probably. Eventually, I guess."

"You want me there?" Lucky wants to know. He sits next to her.

"No. It'll be hard enough when I do it." She runs her fingers through her hair. "I still have to tell my family. And I have to talk to Elizabeth."

"She wasn't there?"

"She was out on an interview. I managed to talk to Jason about her before we got down to the bad news."

"You probably got more out of him than I did," Lucky mutters. "He always was a softie when it came to you."

"I need to tell her how much I love her," Emily whispers. "And that I'm sorry about how I treated her and that I want her in my life...no matter how long it lasts."

"I think Elizabeth knows all of that," Lucky says.

"I know she probably does," Emily replies. "But I still want to tell her." She meets his eyes. "Sometimes, people need the words. Even if they know it, they need to hear it. And I have wasted too much time pretending that I didn't love her."

"You have. But you've got a second chance," Lucky replies. "And you never know...you might get a third."

"I suppose anything is possible."

**You are my anchor yeah**  
Anchor yeah  
Anchor yeah 

"You know what?" Elizabeth says after another long silence. "I think I figured it out."

"What?" Jason asks.

"You remember that night we went to Vista Point, and I asked you if you were disappointed in me and you told me that the only person who could be disappointed was me?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm not. Disappointed that is." Elizabeth hesitated. "Because getting to that point--it made me realize that my choices have led me to isolate myself, and let me forget about the people in my life that I really love." She paused. "I know it sounds strange, but I think I needed to hit rock bottom to realize how much I was going to be giving up."

"Well, maybe you did," Jason says. "But could you do me a favor?"

"Sure."

"The next time you feel like you're slipping towards the place again...tell me. Tell someone," he says. "I don't want to do this again."

**Can you hear me  
Hear me**

She sighs and leans into his embrace a little bit more. "I don't either. I just want to move on from here. I want to take my life back, be friends with Emily and Zander again...I want to be happy, Jason."

"I think you will be," Jason replies. "I think this time...it might work."

"I think so, too." She looks up at him. "You know...I thought it was too late for us. Too late for our friendship, for what could have been. But it's never too late. As long as you're breathing, as long as you wake up in the morning, it's never too late to fix a mistake."

"I guess we've both learned something from this...situation." He reached up with his free hand and stroked her cheek. "How much we mean to each other."

"I don't want to forget that again," Elizabeth tells him. "I never want to forget how much I love the people in my life and how much I need them."

**Can you hear me**


	3. Chapter 3

Song: [Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton](http://tinysong.com/ZOKA)

**Would you know my name if I saw you in Heaven?**

Jason's office door is slightly open and Elizabeth peers inside, hoping that he's doing something other than what he's been doing since he arrived that morning.

But he's still staring at the surface of the beaten up desk, his hands clasped in front of him, his body still. She sighs and pushes her away, closing the door behind her.

"Sonny said that if you didn't want to...you didn't need to come in."

He raises his eyes to look at her and shakes his head slowly. "No. I need the distraction."

Elizabeth sighs and leans against the door. "Jason--" She stops and looks down at the floor. "Zander called from the hospital," she tells him instead. "The doctors say she's not up for visitors tonight. Just family."

He takes a deep breath. "I'll...I'll drop you off at home on my way there then." He stands and reaches for his leather jacket tossed to the side of his desk.

She licks her lip nervously and meets his eyes. "Why don't I go with you anyway? I'll wait outside or something."

"I don't know how long I'll be," he warns her. He crosses to stand in front of her. He takes in her exhausted expression, the bags beneath her eyes, the firm set of her mouth. "Are you all right?"

Elizabeth nods. "Yeah. I just...I haven't had a lot of sleep these last few days."

"Why don't you go home...try to sleep? Don't worry about coming in tomorrow," he tells her. He smoothes his thumb across her cheek bone.

She shakes her head. "I can't sleep. It doesn't matter how hard I try. I just...and I have to come in."

"Elizabeth, you're my secretary. You only work if I do and..." he trails off. "I just can't concentrate on anything."

"I worry about you," she confesses. She looks down--she can feel the tears gathering in her eyes, stinging as she holds them back. She closes her eyes. "When I'm not with you, when I can't see you o-or touch you, I'm worried because I _know_ this hurts you so much a-and--"

He stops her rambling words by pressing his thumb against her lips. "Shh..."

Elizabeth takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I know...I don't mean to put this on you right now. You have a lot to deal with--"

"Don't ever be sorry for telling me how you feel," he cuts in. "You don't have to hide yourself from me."

**Would it be the same if I saw you in Heaven?**

"I want to go to the hospital," Elizabeth tells him firmly. She stands up straight. "Even if I can't see her...I want to be there. So she knows I'm here and...so I can be there for you."

"Okay. I probably...I probably won't stay long. It's...if she's not up for regular visitors, I don't want to tire her out."

She nods and follows him out the door, pausing to grab her own jacket from her desk chair.

She's been working here for six months but sounds of the men outside the wing of offices still startles her. It's loud--the men, the machines...it's just a jumble of noise and it's always been her least favorite part of the job.

It makes her uncomfortable to walk past some of the men because sometimes when she's alone and Jason isn't there to intimidate them, they leer at her and there are catcalls. They don't seem to think that she is anyone special to Jason other than being his secretary.

She says nothing to Jason because this is part of life and she's worried it signify she can't handle being around people. She thinks she's made some progress these last few months but what if it's all an illusion--just her pretending all over again?

She doesn't realize that she's stopped walking and only starts moving again when Jason places a hand at the small of her back and propels her forward. As they exit the warehouse, she can feel the eyes on her back and it sends shivers down her spin.

Instead of dwelling on that, she thinks about Emily. She's been in the hospital for three weeks now--as soon as her family had discovered her illness, she'd been all but forced to undergo treatment. Her doctors had told them that it wasn't going to do any good--that the cancer had spread--but the Quartermaines hadn't listened and now one of the chemotherapy treatments had gone wrong and caused an infection in her body.

The cancer was slowly eating away at her best friend and part of Elizabeth's exhaustion stemmed from putting a smile on her face and visiting every night. If she didn't think about it, she didn't have to remember that in a few weeks or even less, Emily would be gone from this world and it hurt to think like that so she avoided it at all costs.

It wore on Jason more--Emily's illness. It was just something else in a long line of problems for him. Sonny's anger over his breakup with Courtney had only ebbed with Emily's illness. Carly's pity for Elizabeth had faded into an intense dislike--seeing her as the reason Courtney moved back to Atlantic City. She never passed over an opportunity to tell the other woman exactly how she felt and much of Jason's time had been spent playing referee.

And of course, there was Elizabeth herself. She knew that her suicide attempt and subsequent depression had been hard on him. He'd spent most of the last six months being careful around her. Careful not to upset her, careful not to anger her, careful not to jar anything about her. And he'd argued with her once she'd saved enough for her apartment--he'd argued briefly to keep her at the penthouse and they both knew why. He didn't know she knew--but she'd overheard his conversation with Emily and Lucky and all three of them didn't think she was ready for it.

It'd taken her a long time to trust him again and overhearing that he still thought she was weak and susceptible to well, trying it again...it had shattered that trust and once she'd moved out, she'd avoided him more.

But now that Emily was sick, she'd let him back in briefly. All too aware of the havoc she's wreaked on his life, the least she can do is take care of him during this time. And then...then she'll tell him her decision.

**I must be strong and carry on**

"Is something wrong?" he asks, pulling the car into the hospital parking lot. She shakes her head and exits the car. He knows there's distance between them--not the same kind as before May, but distance nonetheless.

"Nothing," she replies. She waits for him to get out of the car and then they head towards the front entrance.

This isn't the first time Emily's been too ill for anyone but family and just like before, she takes out a sketchpad and a pack of charcoals to sketch. Because just as Jason had said--he wouldn't stay too long.

**'Cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven**

She's pale but sitting up. There's a faint smile on her face when Jason enters. "Hey."

"Hey." He sits next to her and takes her hand in his. "I won't stay long--I know you're tired."

"Where's Elizabeth?" Emily asks, casting her eyes towards the front of the room.

"Doctors are restricting visitors tonight," Jason replies. He takes a deep breath. "But she's outside."

"How is she?" Emily asked. She sighs. "Every time she's been here lately, she's had that fake smile, that fake laugh, just..." she waves her hand a little--really just raises it a few inches above the bed before setting back down. "She was doing so much better."

Jason nods. "She was. I don't...something changed between us. After she moved out--I knew it was going to change things but I didn't think she'd pull away from me."

Emily touches his face with the tips of her fingers and he closes his eyes--they're so cold, so dry. It was hard to look at her this way and treat her the same. "She's been through so much. Maybe she's just trying to prove she's strong--that she can do it on her own."

"I know it's wrong but I can't help but want to lock her in the penthouse and not let anyone or anything touch her." He sighs. "I love her so much, Emily. I just wish I knew what she was thinking sometimes. I used to know--I used to be able to look at her and know, but now..."

"Don't let her push you away," Emily advises, her voice fading a little. She takes a deep breath. "She loves you just as much as you love her. But this hasn't been an easy road for either of you. Give her time, give her space, just don't let her get too far."

"I won't," Jason promises. He brings Emily's hand to his lip and kisses the palm. "I'm going to go, okay?" He stands and kisses her forehead. "Get some sleep--I'll be in tomorrow."

She's asleep before Jason reaches the door and he takes one last deep breath to bolster himself before facing Elizabeth again.

**Would you hold my hand if I saw you in Heaven?**

She sets her sketching materials aside. "How is she?" Elizabeth asks immediately.

He scrubs a hand down his face. "She was tired--she's already asleep actually."

"This really isn't fair," she breathes. She shoves her things inside her bag and swings it over her shoulder. "I wish there was something I could do."

"You're doing it," Jason tells her. He pushes a piece of hair behind her ear and lets his finger trail down her jaw. The feathering touch makes her stomach flutter and she closes her eyes.

She can feel his breath on her lips and she steps back hastily, opening her eyes. He's looking at her oddly. Not once in the past six months has she pulled away from him. He's kissed her on only a handful of occasions and not once had she done that.

But now that she's made her decision, she can't do this anymore. She smiles hesitantly at him. "We should go. I mean--there--we can't just stand in the hallway."

_...just don't let her get too far._

He focuses on her hasty retreat towards the elevators and follows her. Once they're inside the car, he glances at her. "I'm taking you back to the penthouse."

She frowns. "Why?"

"Because the longer we avoid this talk, the further away you get and I...I can't do that again."

"Jason, I don't--" She takes a deep breath. He can't force her to do this. "No. If you don't want to take me home, I'll get a cab."

The doors slide open on the lobby and he shakes his head. "It's not up for discussion."

"Fine. If you want to have this discussion, we can do it right now." She glares at him. "I'm quitting. I have enough saved to live for a few months and I'll find another job."

**Would you help me stand if I saw you in Heaven?**

He stares at her for a moment, not sure if he heard her right. Her expression is angry--her eyes cold. She was...she was really _mad_ at him. Where was this coming from? "Elizabeth--"

"I can't live on your charity forever," she says. She pushes past him and stalks towards the entrance.

He follows her and moves in front of her just as she exits the building. "Elizabeth, what--"

"I know you didn't think I was strong enough to live on my own," she tells him suddenly. "I know you think I'm weak and that I can't provide for myself but--"

"I--"

"So this is my two weeks notice," she cut in. "I wasn't gonna do this until after..." she stops. "Look, I didn't want to do it like this because you've been really good to me but you just keep--"

"When did I _ever_ say you were weak?" he demands, cutting her off in mid sentence.

Her eyes burn with tears. "The day after I told you I was leaving. You said it to Lucky and Emily."

**I'll find my way through night and day,**

_"Do you think she's ready for this?"_

_Emily's voice drifted up to the second floor where Elizabeth was standing out of sight. They'd been downstairs for almost ten minutes--gathered like a little war council._

_"She says she is."_

_A faint smile crossed her face at the sound of Lucky's voice. Good old Lucky...he'd never deserted her._

_"I don't think she should leave. I don't know if she's ready to be on her own."_

_Jason's voice. Her eyes filled with tears and she took a step back unable to believe her ears. Not wanting to hear anymore, she went into her room and closed the door as softly as possible._

**'Cause I know I just can't stay here in Heaven.**

"You didn't hear the rest of the conversation then," he says. He reaches for her but she just pulls away. "There was more."

"It doesn't matter." Her throat is thick and all she wants to do is get away. To get away from him, from this place and this moment. "You said it--"

"You were leaving me," he blurts out.

**Time can bring you down; time can bend your knees**

She stares at him, unable to speak. It's like the moment she told him she loved him six months ago. She's stunned into silence.

"You were leaving me," Jason repeats slowly. "A-and if you'd kept listening you would have heard Emily say so. She said that it wasn't  _you_  who wasn't ready, it was me."

"I..." There are no words. All she can do is just stare at him.

"I wasn't ready to let you go." He drags a hand through his hair, horrified that she'd over heard part of that conversation and had spent all this time believing that he didn't think she was strong. "I am so sorry that I said what I did or that I ever made you think for one moment that I think you're weak or--"

"I was waiting for Emily to die before I told you," she breaks in faintly. "It sounds horrible but I knew I couldn't quit and leave you while she's so sick." She folds her arms tightly across her chest, almost hugging herself. "When I said I was going to quit and find another job, I meant in another town."

**Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please**

"Elizabeth, you can't..." he steps toward her and this time she doesn't step away. "After everything we've been through...you can't leave me."

"You thought I was ready to go?" she asks softly. "That I was ready to do this on my own?"

He nods. "I knew you were. You're strong, Elizabeth, you're stronger than anyone I've ever known and I just...I need you to stay. Don't leave again."

She nods slowly. "I--I'll stay." She lets him pull her into his arms and she leans her head against his chest. "I'm sorry, Jason. I just...I get so scared."

He slid a hand in her hair and lets the silk strands slide through his fingers. "I know. But promise me that you'll come to me when you get scared. Or someone else, okay? I need you, Elizabeth, I need you to be okay, to be around...even if it's not with me."

She tilts her head up to look at him, tears staining her cheeks. "But I want it to be with you." She licks her lips nervously. "I love you, Jason...a-and I'm ready to be with you if you still want me."

He nods tremulously. The goal they've been working towards is finally here--to be together and this time, not to let anything come between them. She'd almost walked away again but this time he'd fought for her and here they are, just a little over a year after it had all gone to hell.

"I love you, too," he whispered just before he kissed her.

**Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure**

The sound of his cell phone breaks them apart and he fishes it out of his pocket. "Yeah?"

His face pales and he meets Elizabeth's eyes. "We...we're right outside. We're on our way up." He hangs the phone up. "That was Zander. She's..." he struggled to get it out. "She's going. The doctors don't think she'll make it through the night."

Elizabeth gasps softly and shakes her head. "No. No!"

He grasps her elbow and steers her back inside.

**And I know there'll be no more tears in Heaven.**

Zander is waiting outside Emily's room. His hands are trembling, his skin is translucent. "She just...she started arresting," he whispers as they approach.

Elizabeth gathers Emily's boyfriend in her arms and hugs him tightly. "Where is the family?" she asks softly.

"Monica and Alan are in there. And they called home for everyone else. Lucky and Nikolas are coming too." Zander pulls away and takes a deep breath. "You _know_ it's coming--you try to get ready and when it comes..." he shakes his head.

Monica exits the room, her cheeks streaked with tears. Her eyes are red and swollen. "You'd better come in a-and say goodbye while you can," she whispers. She reaches out and Jason takes her hand. "I'm so glad you're here."

Emily is paler than she'd been only ten minutes ago. Her eyes are barely open and her breathing is labored. But when Elizabeth approaches the bed, she manages a very weak smile. "Hey...what...what brings you out...on a night like...like this?" she manages to joke.

Tears blur Emily's face in her vision and Elizabeth gives her a watery smile. "Oh...you know. The usual. A boy. And a friend." Her voice shakes. "A very good friend. Oh, God, Emily, I love you _so_ much."

"I...love you too. Come--come here." Elizabeth lowers her face towards Emily and the other woman kisses her softly on the cheek. "Be happy. That's...it's all I ever wanted."

"Please don't go," Elizabeth begs. "Please...Em--"

"It's time." Her eyes look to Jason, standing just behind her. "Hey...good-looking."

"Hey, Em," Jason greets, his voice trembling. "You just...you do what you need to do."

"Right back at you," Emily replies. She closes her eyes a little. "Zander?"

"I'm right here, babe," Zander says quickly coming to her side.

"I wanted to wait for everyone," Emily tells him. "But I just...I'm so tired."

"It's okay," Alan tells his daughter. He puts a hand on Zander's shoulder. "They'll...they'll understand." His voice breaks and he clenches his wife's hand tightly.

"I love you...I love you all so much," Emily whispers, her voice barely audible but it almost echoes through the room. Her eyes close.

And her chest stops moving.

**Would you know my name if I saw you in Heaven?**

"Why are you standing all the way over here?" Jason asks as he enters the Quartermaine living room for the memorial. He nods towards Lucky and Nikolas who were standing around a worn-out Elizabeth.

"I'm giving them a few moments," Zander replies. "You know...for so long I was so jealous of them. Of the relationship they had. The four musketeers. One for all, all for one. It just felt like I couldn't break through." He glances at Jason. "I bet you never felt that way."

"By the time I came into Elizabeth's life, Lucky was gone," Jason tells him. "And everyone was in a different place. It wasn't until after he came back that it clicked back together."

"Anyway...I just thought that they might want a few moments to themselves." With a bitter smile, he continues. "The last of the musketeers."

**Would it be the same if I saw you in Heaven?**

The trio joins them a few moments later, Elizabeth slipping an arm around Jason's waist and he around her shoulders. He kisses her forehead. "You okay?"

"I am now that you're here," she tells him. "We were just talking about that first Christmas. When Lucky gave Nikolas the ELQ hat," she remembers with a smile.

"And we took that picture," Nikolas continues. "The one that was at the memorial," he tells Jason and Zander. "God...it was so long ago."

"Feels like yesterday." Elizabeth takes a deep breath and looks at the other two. "I'm sorry...we don't want to exclude you."

"It's okay," Zander tells her. "We all have our own memories of Emily and the point of today is to share them."

**I must be strong and carry on**

"It's so cold," Elizabeth murmurs. It's a month after Emily's death--a cold and bitter January.

She kneels down, sinking her lower legs in the snow. She doesn't feel the cold, she only has eyes for the marble stone that bears Emily's name, her date of birth and her date of death.

She traces the etched letters with the tips of her gloved fingers and a tear crystallizes as it streaks down her cheek. "I miss you. So much."

She closes her eyes, her wet lashes stinging her cheeks. "I know it's not the same but I wanted to talk to you anyway. I don't know why I'm crying because I'm happy."

She hesitates. "As happy as I can be right now. I mean, you're not here and even if something good happens, it's never going to be perfect because you're not here."

"I know what you meant--about the race. And why you were so angry with me. But I want you to know that I think I've got it now. I still stumble sometimes. But I'm beginning to understand that everyone does."

**'Cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven**

"But I'm winning now," she whispers. "As much as anyone can win. Life isn't about the times you stumble. It's about the times you get ahead. And the stumbles...they get you there. Because if you didn't stumble or fall behind--you'd never know what it feels like to pull ahead."

She smiles then. A brighter smile, a happier smile. "He asked me to marry him last night. He thought it might be too soon but he wanted me to know how he felt--he thinks we've wasted too much time. And he's right. We wasted almost a whole year. But this last seven months--it hasn't been about wasting time. It's been about finding ourselves and each other. I fell in love with him all over again and I know now that it's forever."

"So even though you won't be here to watch us promise forever to each other...I know you're watching out for us. Put--put a good word in for us, you know?"

She kissed her fingers and pressed them to Emily's name. "I'm going to live this for the both of us. And I'm going to win it. I won't you let you down."

**'Cause I know I don't belong, here in Heaven**


End file.
